I am worthy of EVERYTHING God wants to give me!

*stay with me for a second*

Sometimes when I think about just how much God loves me- its overwhelming.

I have been praying and thinking about my life a lot lately. (If you have been looking for a sign to get into therapy: here is your sign) Therapy has literally changed my life and I can't even begin to articulate it. I've been having hard conversations with my family and I have been sharing the good news with everyone around me. I prayed for a spiritual mentor and I got one. I have been praying over a strong community in Tulsa where I can freely talk about God's goodness and God has began to provide! With all this good that is happening in my life- I still find myself struggling.

There is a weight that I can not shake. The weight of shame and condemnation has began to creep into my mind. I have been getting so caught up lately on the people who knew me before I started living out my faith. I know that I need to embrace my testimony and pick up my mat and walk but I keep getting caught up. I believe in my heart that the foot of the cross is even and God judges all of the sin the same but I am just so nervous about how judgmental some people can be.

I have to be H.O.T humble, open and transparent. I have always loved Christ, from a young child bumming rides with any an everyone just to get to the house of the Lord. Even when I was ducking and dodging Him- He still had his hand on my life. #whew Thank you Lord! One of the main reasons why I hid from Him, like Adam and Eve did in the garden, is because I couldn't believe that He could truly love me even when I didn't love myself. I can't tell you how many times I prayed and went to the altar and tried to wish my same sex attraction away. I felt like there was something that I did wrong and I was being punished because of the way the church vilified these feelings. Now, at my big age- I know that is not the case. ( I lead LGBTQ+ identity workshops and fully believe inclusion- so if you were looking for an anti-gay message #thisaintit. The entire bible talks about LOVE and I aspire to exude the fruits of the spirit every single day.)

Even more than my exploration of my sexuality, my up and down nature of my weight, the abusive relationship I experienced, the premarital "situationships" I have found myself in time and time again: many things I have struggled with all stem from the lack of self love. "Love your neighbor as yourself" Matt 12:31- when I reflect back on my relationships, romantic, platonic and familial, it makes sense now why I couldn't nurture them with the love of Christ- I didn't love anything about myself. My love for myself was attached to the things I did and how others thought of me.

I am finally on a journey of self love. I'm not even gon flex like it easy... there is a lot of unlearning I am having to do. I am finally able to spend time alone with myself without using unhealthy coping mechanisms. I am becoming more and more comfortable with my instagram not poppin and my phone not buzzing. God really had to get me a part- one thousand miles away "a part" to show me me and to help me understand just how much he loves me.

Pastor Todd started the message off this past Sunday talking to me! With all of my sin, with all of my baggage, with all of the mistakes that I have made- I am worthy of EVERYTHING God wants to give me. This has been on my heart and is literally a current struggle I am dealing with. It's been three weeks since I have reached out to my spiritual mentor because I am literally scared of telling her about my sexuality. This "secret", this part of my testimony that I try to conveniently leave out, God knew about before I was formed in my mothers womb. He knew that and factored it all in. He still smiled on me and said "I love you daughter and I want to use you."

So I had to take a moment and pour out my heart. There will not be another day where I let this hold me back. Satan has no authority on Earth or in my mind. There will not be another day where this "secret" delays my blessings or my purpose. I have prayed to God to help me to show others what a real relationship with Christ looks like. This is it. I've prayed that my testimony and the things that I go through would help people all over the world break free from the bondage that they experience. This is it. I am doing God a disservice and myself from hiding my struggles and part of my identity.

As tears are flowing from my eyes as I type this blog post, I want to pray for you. To pray for us. That we won't let another second go by caught up and bound up in shame over anything.

Father God, thank you for your child who is reading this post. Thank you for aligning whatever you had to for them to receive this message in the exact time that they needed it. Holy Spirit, you know their insecurities, you know the things that they lay in bed at night and wish they could change. Father, I pray you give them peace. I pray that you give them the strength to surrender everything over to you. You used Moses who thought his stutter counted him out. You used Pastor Todd who thought his addiction to pornography and lies counted him out. Father you have used me, who thought her sexuality and her weight counted her out. You will use your child who thought whatever is on their heart at this moment, counted them out. Jesus- get the glory out of our lives. Help us to overcome our insecurities! You have conquered the whole world so what is a drug addition to you? What is sex addiction to you? What is lying or cheating or gossiping to you? Not a single thing because you have already won the victory! Lord, I pray that you would help each and everyone of us be bolder. That you would help us be wiser. That you would help our faith be crazyer. Help us to run to you as a first response and not a last resort. Jesus change our mindset, encourage us to lay down judgement and pick up love. Father, I speak life over things and situations that we might have labeled as dead. I pray that you would do a new thing in us and through us. Have your way. In Jesus' precious and holy name.

Amen, Amen and Amen!

Yall, I had to get this off my chest before I could move on. All of these posts I have written were cute and all but I didn't feel like I was being really real with yall.

I had an amazinggggg weekend this past weekend that I want to tell yall about. I can't wait to get back to my regularly scheduled whyllllllllls in these Tulsa Streets. Overall, life is really really good! I went to a self studio, sushi dinner, shared my visions with my bestie, facetimed my linesister, dinner date on Saturday and so much more.

If you made it to the end of this post, YOU DA REAL MVP!!!! Leave me a comment below and let me know if this message resonated with you and or something lit you did this past weekend.

I love yall frfr and can not wait to see all that God does in our lives.

xoxo Paige Nicole